In Lieu

In lieu of an actual relationship, I'm trying to learn to re-relate to women by hanging out with female friends ... which have been hard to forge.

Whoever said that men and women can't be friends is right... guys will wanna sleep with just about anyone that of the opposite sex (unless you're gay). Having said that, when you get to know someone, whether from being in a relationship or not, you do begin to see them in a slightly different way.

Unfortunately, as a single guy, I still see every woman as "a potential". I guess it's from too many of those "I may have already met/bumped into/etc." my future wife. The romantic part of me that's been quashed and killed and replaced by the cynic likes to think that fate is shining on the chosen and that I'm one of the chosen. The cynic ALSO likes to think that fate shines on the chosen and that I'm not one of them. Judging by my single status at 32, I'd have to side with the cynic. It's not getting much easier out there.

Having been to the cinema this evening to see Before Sunset, it reminded me of how hopeful and eager I was earlier in life. A lot of the feeling of the film resonated true - especially the feeling that you can take a person out of their circumstances and they're still the same person. Sometimes I think that I moved back to England, not only to rediscover my heritage, but to remake myself as something I could never be in Canada. After about six months, I was still the same person, only in a large unfriendly city, with no friends and no job. I definitely acheived something I couldn't in Canada - abject isolation.

Not exactly the forward trajectory I envisioned for myself when I threw everything away I knew in Canada for a life unknown.

Sure, my family was... is.. here, but they're miles away on the south coast, and I don't see them that much, and my mate in Southampton I saw more when I was in Canada.

Still, I guess we always want what we don't have, or the grass would never be greener on the other side. I think it's just trying to escape being in a rut, by entering into a new one. Take me, for example. I wanted to get out of a lonely large Canadian city, so I moved to a lonely English city. I know about the same number of people, I've had about the same number of relationships, and the television's worse.

Do I wanna move back to Canada? I don't know. Canada Day in London really phased me. There are a load of meat heads in Canada that I'm glad I'm away from. I know... Football Hooligan. Everywhere has it's problems. My only concern is that I see Canada through rose tinted glasses sometimes. I had a good life there. Maybe it's just this period of my life that's crap... anywhere. I don't wanna keep hopping from country to country thinking it'll solve something, when I gotta look inside me to find what's wrong.

Is it a mid-life crisis? I don't think so. I had one of those when I was 20. Which I hope isn't prophetic in any way.

In the film, they talked about getting older. I AM 32, but I don't feel it. I keep thinking it's how old you FEEL, not how old you ARE. Having said that, do I think I'm a more together person today than I was when i was 22? 18? I don't think so. I still have my same hangups, my same problems, my same singleness. I am the same person after all, just in a different environment.

And I guess there IS something wrong with that.