What defines us?

Sitting here in a rather tired and morose mood, I'm getting to wondering what makes us "us"? What is that indefinable something that, if you took it away, would make us not be us anymore?
I ask this as my pursuit of physical tangible good gets ever further out of control. What is the use of downloading every song ever, if you're never going to listen to it? Or downloading video games, only to spend the time you'd normally spend playing it on downloading the next game.

But I digress.

Am I me, because of my CD or DVD collection, or because I can remember asinine quotes from The Simpsons or Star Wars?

Does the inner me show through because I have A Bout De Souffle and Twin Peaks among my collection? Or am I slightly more inferior because I gave into my teenage whims and bought Def Leppard on DVD?

They say a person is defined by environmental variables. I'll buy that to a certain degree. My childhood was exceptional. Nothing that happens to me in the future can change that, and that's about the only thing I can be sure of these days.

Having watched an episode of Six Feet Under where one of the main characters is carjacked and almost dies, it did make me wonder what in this world makes us different, makes us "us".

As we search for another person to share an "our" with (as in "our life together"), it just gets more and more difficult to tell what or who we really are.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Pet Shop Boy Potemkin

Wow.

Just got back from Trafalgar Square and the screening of Battleship Potemkin. The new score by Pet Shop Boys is amazing and really brought the black and white silent film back up to date, musically.

The addition of drizzle and loads of people just added to the atmosphere.

Wow. Again.

My heart starts missing a beat...

...everytime.

Anyway, enough Pet Shop Boys lyrics.

Today I received the usual "Hey do any of these names look familiar" email from Classmates.com (a way more expensive version of FriendsReunited). Low and behold, one of the names I did recognize - a long lost ex-girlfriend I've been wanting to contact for years and years and could never find.

Now I may have the means, I'm wondering whether I should. My life in Canada feels a lifetime ago, and seeing her was a lifetime before that.

Oh the quandries.

It really sucks being me.

Depression recession agression

Made the mistake of trolling job sites today.

In the 3+ years I've been in my current role, the world's sped by leaving me on the pavement. Even though in the last few months I've decided on a new path in my life, I'm still behind the 8-ball skillset wise.

Makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to leave the Company (scarier still if I get let go - who would hire me??)

So, the new question is should I continue of this course of developing a new skill set or opt for something easier?

In the back of my head, apart from the sound of Che Guevara and Debussy to a disco beat is the thought of calling it a day on my English adventure and heading back for the more open, cleaner, less drug-riddled climes of Canada.

I'll keep you posted.

Insane? I hope not.

I keep having recurring dreams. Usually, people have them about dalliances with exotic princesses or winning the lottery. Me? I keep thinking I've killed someone.

Great. Wonderful.

What a top dream to keep having. Very relaxing, I can say. I'm sure Freud would have a field day with that one.

My psyche, not happy to torture my unconscious with just that little doozy, has now added a new recurring dream. My car has become a picked-over shell. Yeah, up on blocks, no tyres or headlamps, etc.

I really, really look forward to nodding off these days to see what hideous nightmare I'll sleep through.

Ain't life grand?

Who loves ya?

Having tried to forge a few conversation this past weekend with co-workers (and failing), I do have to wonder whether I am actually liked by anyone. Not that it matters, but as I haven't lived in the UK for ages, I haven't built up the "school friend"/"other job" gang of mates that most of the people I know have.

If I'm out for a social evening with work people, that's it. I don't have the 30 other mates I have to go see at the end of it. I don't know if I ever did, even in the heyday of my large group of school mates days.

I guess I'm not really a people person, could explain why I'm single (I'm sure there's lots of reasons to explain that).

Just got me down last night is all. Wasn't feeling to well and any conversations I tried to start (barring a few good guys) were shot down quicker than a clay pigeon.

As Homer Simpson said: "the lesson is never try".

Bright town?

Spent the day and evening this weekend in Brighton on a work do. We had accomodation at the venerable Grand hotel, the same one the IRA bombed back in the 80s during a Tory conference.

Gotta say, if the overall impression the IRA got back then was the same I had from this weekend, the fact that the Tories were there had nothing to do with the bombing - the place sucks. I dunno who gives out the star ratings to hotels, but I can't help thinking that a real Five Star hotel wouldn't let any of their rooms have the view of an alleyway or forget to install some sort of aircon/fan system.

Apart from that the food we were served was terrible.

Crappy accom aside, couldn't have asked for a nicer weekend to be down by the sea. It was very very very warm. Walked the pier, was serenaded by Journey out of the speaker system as I watched people eat overfried fish and overpriced iced lollies. Also wandered the Lanes shopping area and wondered how those placed could survive the off season (the "student friendly" places seemed to partly answer my query).

Glad I went? Partly. Glad I'm home? Not sure. Brighton is a much more compact place than London and has a much nicer core area.